Dear Blogosphere

A common adage of our age is that one should “just be yourself.” But what should you do when just being yourself seems to run contrary to the contemporary zeitgeist of a particular group or class of individuals? Obviously this mantra doesn’t extend to people like Jeffery Dahmer—but perhaps that’s an extreme example. You see, while I don’t have a penchant for cannibalizing my zombified lovers, I do enjoy telling jokes. Really bad jokes. What’s worse is that they often fall upon deaf ears, which to me is just pure agony.

One such instance occurred just a few days ago. I work in the back of a warehouse type area, and occasional big sliding doors are opened to allow cargo-loaded trucks inside. Naturally, during the winter they are opened much to the discomfort of myself and my fellow grunts. One night my boss, while power-walking parallel to me with exaggeratedly hurried steps commented that it “sure was getting cold out.” He rubbed his hands together and made that “whooo” sound.

“Yeah!” I agreed, with a shit-eating grin spreading across my face. A truly excellent pun was just at the tip of my tongue. Triumphantly, and with what I surmised was perfect timing, I said that you could “just call me AARON BURR.”

Don’t you get and appreciate this, oh blogosphere? You see, it was a bit chilly—and chill often makes one go “burr.” Moreover, Aaron Burr was a historical figure that almost seized executive power in 1800… and it is a happy coincidence that his surname also happens to be that noise people make to express a chill!

The confused look merging into a frown, the silent accusation that I was on drugs, the fact that the only noise that broke the uncomfortable silence the sound of him awkwardly clearing his throat… all of this, oh blogosphere, was almost too much to take.

That night I felt like Napoleon on St. Helena.